"real peace..."

"I am confused..."
I say in a
voice tinged with both
weariness and
exasperation

"how will I know...

what kind of peace
is the good kind of peace

is it the peace I feel
when I pull back from a hard won position,
feel the happiness of having
achieved my goals,
and then sense a
kind of release...
the surface tension
yielding
to the fullness of
what I have
accomplished,
done,
finished,
decided,
demonstrated...

or is it the sort of peace that comes when
I give up a dream...right before it is realized...
surrendering to the kind of self cross-questioning
that assures me, "if it were right it
wouldn't feel so full of uncertainty,
unsettledness, resistance..."
and then, in letting go,
in giving up,
I feel relief?

how will I know it is
real peace?

Will I feel a rush of peace when I make the
right choice, or is that
just as distracting as the peace I
feel when I make the wrong
choice....
any choice...

peace is not an outcome
he says,
it is not the result of
your human decision-making...
right or wrong...

peace is what you feel when you
walk up to the mirror of uncertainty,
and look
your "not knowing"
right in the eyes
and greet her with compassion
and love...
so much love

she wants
what you have
the
peace that passeth all
understanding,
all knowing,
certainty,
assurances,
guarantees,
achievement,
timetables,
outcomes....

the peace that is peace
even when you lose,
fail,
aren't so sure,
can't decide,
have no idea,
feel empty...and still
you are
at peace...

yes, this is
the peace
that is
not a
false
convenient
peace

but the
peace that
floweth as a river...

fron the
eternal
Source
alone...


*born of a conversation with Sandy Wilder of Educare the Unlearning Institute