Thursday, February 2, 2012

"beyond where I can follow..."



“...I knew you'd
want to know, " she said,
"they say I am very sick..

but,
I need you to know
that I am not afraid..."


thus began
her adventure,
her journey to a
place where I
could not follow...

at least,
not yet

"If I take the wings of the
morning, and dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea,
even there shall Thy hand lead me,
and Thy right hand shall hold me..."
- Psalms


I remember standing at the
kitchen counter,
and
thinking, "why her,
why not me...
she has so much more to give..."

and meaning
it...

I was
rattled,
sobered,
frightened...a bit...
by
the depth of
her calm
that day...

"I have decided I
do not want to
fight this,"
she said,
"God is the only
Cause in my life.
whatever this is,
I will accept only this:
God's hand is in mine...
and I accept
His hand,
His love,
His direction
with
grace,
I will let it lead me forward...
forward,
not towards death,
but into a deeper
relationship with Life..."

I wanted to say,
"no, not you...

let me do something..."

but before I could
get the first words out of my
mouth,

she reminded me of
Jesus' words to Peter,
when he tried to protect
him from his divine destiny,
when he tried to deny that this
"crucifixion"
could possibly be
part of his Father's
plan for his friend,
part of
his path
towards resurrection...
and ascension:

"get thee behind me
Satan..."


i yielded,
gave up my protest,
swallowed words
she would not even let me utter,
and let my tears flow
silently to the
floor,
quiet sobs
wracking my bones...

"what can I do."
I asked.

"be my friend,
love me,
listen to me,
learn from me....let me be
your teacher,
let me share my journey..."

"okay..."
I barely made a sound
through
heaving waves of
grief and confusion...

my grief,
not hers,

my confusion,
not hers...

I wanted her
here,
now,
for always...

she wanted Him
here,
now,
for always...eternally

this was her
journey....not mine

she
wanted the Oneness she'd
spent her days
seeking through
study,
prayer,
service to others,
stillness,
charity...
to be her only Life...

she longed to
feel the power of
the Word,
to know
the freedom that comes
with deep surrendering,
to experience a reckless trust in His
care,
a fearless abandon that throws
caution to the Wind, and
yields
oneself
to the divine Unseen.

day after day, she
shared her
journey, her pain,
her courage,
her grace....

day after day,
she
inspired,
transformed,
taught
me
what
trust
looks
like

until....

her journey led
her forward
to a place beyond where I
could
follow...

at least
not yet...

and through her eyes
I never "saw death"
only Life...eternal,
immortal,
indivisible,
remorseless,
unfettered,
undiluted,
changeless,
radiant,
unfathomable,
purposeful
unfailing,
immeasurable,
inexhaustible,
unceasing,
joy-filled,
resistless,
invariable,
unconditional
Love...as
Life..

"...for Love alone is Life,
and Life, most sweet as heart-to-heart,
speaks kindly,
when we meet and part..."

- M. B. Eddy


* my friend's experience is shared with permission - "pay it forward, when you are ready..." she said.


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